I recently read this awful article on Brit’s top 10 motorcycle dream passengers. Pamela Anderson as #1? Really? Can we BE more cliche? Sorry but I like ’em real and spectacular. Prince William? I mean, I realize your British and everything, but aren’t you a bit miffed that the Royals’ extravagant lifestyle is sustained on your backs? And Tom Cruise? TOM CRUISE???

I expected more from the land that brought us the Speed Triple and the Rocket III.

So I’m going to do my own lists, with one modification. The women are dream passengers. I don’t want any guy riding on the back of my bike, ever, so later in the week I’ll do a separate list of men I’d like to have riding in my group.

Here’s who’s riding pillion on my Rocket in some parallel universe where I get to chose:

#10: Mary-Louise Parker. The incredibly hot Mary-Louise plays the enterprising Nancy Botwin on the hysterically-funny Showtime series Weeds. And, she’s the star of the Most Intense Sex Scene in a TV Series, Ever. Here’s the prelude – use your imagination (and rent the DVD) if you want to see the rest, which is well worth it:

 

The next three women from the what I call the Quentin Tarantino Collection. Quentin and I have the same taste in women. And, apparently we have the same taste in movies because I’ve loved every QT movie I’ve seen since Reservoir Dogs. If I were channel surfing right now and stumbled on a Tarantino film, I’d stop and watch the rest of it.

#9: Melanie Laurent. The Female lead of Inglorious Basterds, who plays protagonist Shoshanna Dreyfus, is a simply beautiful French actress who also happens to look exactly like a girl I had a wicked crush on in high school. I couldn’t find a clip of her acting on YouTube, but this is even better – footage of a photoshoot she did for Elle magazine:

#8: Uma Thurman. But only if she wears the yellow track suit that she made famous in Kill Bill.

#7: Lucy Liu. I thought she was hot in Ally McBeal. She was outta control hot in Kill Bill Volume I.  Her and Uma mix it up in an intense catfight, too. Girls, girls…please. There’s enough of me to go around!

#6: Jaclyn Smith. This is a nostalgia pick purely to indulge the 13-year-old version of me, who had her poster hanging in his bedroom throughout his teen years. (Thank god posters can’t talk…)

#5: Ellie Kemper. I’ve watched every episode of The Office since it started airing, and laughed at every one. And I cannot take my eyes off Ellie Kemper when she is on screen as receptionist Erin. What can I say about Ellie? She’s my dream girl. She’s totes adorbs to the Nth degree. She comes from an ultra-wealthy family. She’s a Princeton grad, and intelligence is a HUGE turnon for me. She writes for The Onion, which demonstrates that she not only has brains but a top-shelf sense of humor.

#4: Maggie Gyllenhall. Watch the movie Secretary and you’ll understand why she’s on this list. Throughout her film career, she’s also shown a penchant for hooking up with older middle aged guys, which just warms my heart (see the movies Crazy Heart and Happy Endings – and yes, she did a movie called Happy Endings which qualifies her to be on this list just by itself.)

#3: Penélope Cruz. Muy caliente. Muy, muy, caliente. Me encantan las mujeres latinas y he salido con un número de ellos desde mi divorcio. Y me encanta Penélope Cruz.

#2: Gabrielle Anwar. I first noticed Gabby as Al Pacino’s tango partner in Scent of a Woman. Was mesmerized by her in the awesome, unheralded, mostly-forgotten crime drama Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead (now available on Netflix on Demand, BTW. Watch it. “Buckwheats! All of ’em, Buckwheats!”) And was dismayed when everyone else discovered her in Burn Notice (I thought I had her all to myself until then.) Simply, elegantly gorgeous.

#1: Sheryl Crow. Everybody who knows me knows I love Sheryl. In fact, if I’m in the car with my daughters and a Sheryl song comes on the radio, one of them will say, “Hey dad, it’s the Future Mrs. Crivelli!” Lance, you’re insane for letting her go. Sheryl, c’mon home…

So those are my choices for the pillion seat. I know some of them are out of left field. So if you disagree with any of these picks, let me know. Who would you chose?

Later this week, I’ll do a list of dudes I want riding alongside me.